Why is My Kid Lying to Me?
Nothing stresses parents out like lying.
“Why doesn’t my son just tell the truth? Why wouldn’t he just admit it? Doesn’t he see how bad lying is?” This is the type of language I hear from parents all the time. It makes sense: parents want to raise honest adults, so catching your kids in a lie makes you worried that there’s something wrong with your child, and that they won’t develop into healthy adults.
Lying is normal – and it’s actually a developmental milestone!
Lying comes out around preschool, when kids start to learn that they can have a different perspective from another person. Children start to recognize that a belief doesn’t necessarily reflect reality, so they play around with that new knowledge. This may be why your 5 year old will look you right in the eye when he’s barefoot, and tell you that he is wearing socks.
Okay, but why is my child or teen lying?
There are plenty of reasons why kids lie. Parents often fixate on the fact that a child is lying and they just shouldn’t be, but I would encourage you to think about the function of the lie. What is the child getting or getting out of because of lying?
Here are some common reasons why:
Kids lie to avoid consequences.
Picture this: my 7 year old bursts into the room, tears in her eyes, crying, “my sister hit me!” I go and find said sister, and ask sternly, “Emma, did you hit your sister?” She swears she didn’t, and I run back to the crying child to comfort her. Emma is aware that, if she tells the truth about hitting her sister, she’ll probably get in trouble. Lying is a possible way out for her: if I believe her, she won’t get in trouble. If there are no benefits to telling the truth, and she’ll get the same consequences either way, why tell the truth? Some kids therefore learn to lie to avoid facing consequences.
Kids lie to test limits.
Some kids are curious about their own beliefs and those of others around them. Sometimes, kids lie to figure out the world around them or even to express wishes. “I went to Disney World last week” can be a version of “I wanted to go to Disney World last week,” let’s see how people respond if I tell them that I did? In this situation, kids are almost trying to restructure the truth and see what happens. Children are curious and learning about the world, so it makes sense to test those limits.
Kids lie to get approval from others.
Sometimes, the truth can be rough. I personally hate giving people bad news, and wouldn’t it just be easier to stretch the truth a little bit to make another person happy? Adults know the long-term consequences of this approach: it tends to backfire. Kids don’t know that yet, so they lie because it makes them look cool, or fit in with their friends.
What can you do if your child is lying?
Figure out the “why.”
Check out the reasons above - do any of those resonate? If you can determine why a child is lying, you can help them build strategies or support them in missing skills. If they’re lying to avoid consequences, can you work on being consistent with your consequences?
Don’t play up the lying.
No matter why your child is lying, try to give the actual lie minimal attention. When you stay calm, you minimize the attention the lie gets from you. This is because we know that attention (even negative attention) fuels a behavior. That being said, you don’t need to ignore lying completely. You can say something like, “I don’t think that’s what happened,” and then continue with a different strategy.
Reinforce honesty.
Talk to your child (outside of the lying situation!) about why telling the truth is important, even if it sometimes gets you in trouble. My rule at home is that telling the truth won’t get you out of trouble, but it will be way better than if I find out that you lied to me.
Don’t set up your child for lying.
Sometimes, parents know the truth and we “fish” to see if our children will admit to what they did wrong. This approach serves no one. If you trip over your son’s sneakers, don’t ask, “Who left their shoes on the steps?” Just call your son over and ask him to put away his shoes. Asking about who created the problem just invites a potential like.