Talking to Your Kids about Scary Events
Even writing the header of this blog post has been giving me trouble - talking to kids about terrorism? War? Antisemetism? Mass shootings? I settled on scary events because it’s all of the above. There are some tenets that psychologists tend to use when we’re talking about things that are anxiety producing in us.
Say something. Do not do the thing where you assume your child hasn’t heard anything about an event just because you haven’t mentioned it to them. Especially if your child is school aged, they definitely know something. Start a conversation by asking what they know. Try not to put your own thoughts or feelings onto your child. Instead, take an open, curious position when bringing up this topic.
Validate any emotions. Just because you’re feeling a certain emotion doesn’t mean that your child will be feeling the same emotion. LIke I said above, ALL feelings are okay. This can be uncomfortable for parents - we don’t want our children to feel bad. But it’s okay if they do. It’s also okay to share how you’ve been feeling. It can be very validating for a child to know that their dad is also anxious. Avoid a full on display of your emotion if possible, though. Telling your child that you’re sad is helpful and validating, while bursting into tears and sobbing can be extremely scary for them. If you don’t think you can manage validating your child’s emotions while managing your own, you can outsource these conversations to another adult you trust (therapist, family member, etc).
Make room for continued conversation. Kids’ brains are not linear. Having a conversation one time does not mean you did your parental duty and no longer have to talk about scary events that are impacting your child. Check in occasionally, particularly if a situation is ongoing and changing.
Correct any misinformation. Kids often get information from other kids. Unsurprisingly, children are not always correct in what they hear and overhear. Particularly in the case of war, information can change, and understanding that information can be complex. With older children, make time to talk about these complexities, and well as the history and context that led to this moment.
Monitor media use and conversations. Combat footage and terrible videos of terror attacks are terrifying for children (and adults). Do your very best to make sure the news is off if your children are around, even if they don’t seem like they’re paying attention. Your children are always watching. If your child has their own device, monitor or restrict their media use. Monitor adult conversations as well, particularly when little ears are listening. When monitoring information and media, make sure to emphasize the helpers. How are people showing courage or resilience in the face of anxiety and uncertainty?
Emphasize your connection with your child. Resilience in children is often a product of their relationship with their parents. Lean into your connection with your child to help them feel safe. This means spending quality 1:1 time with them, particularly if they’re younger and don’t really understand what’s going on. Focus on maintaining their routines as much as possible.
Consider what you can do to help. Allowing people to feel in control (despite having no control over world events) can help manage anxiety. Consider what you can do to give your child a feeling of agency in a situation. Can you send letters of support or encouragement to people impacted? Can you pack care packages or make donations? Can you pray? All these activities can promote resilience and coping.